If you’re parenting a child who struggles with anxiety, you’ve probably tried everything to help them feel better. When it comes to supporting an anxious child, you may have reassured, problem-solved, and maybe even adjusted your family routines to avoid triggers. And still, the worry lingers—for your child, and for you.
What if there’s a different way to help with supporting an anxious child? One that doesn’t require you to “fix” every anxious moment, but instead gives your child the tools to face their fears with your support? Dr. Eli Lebowitz, creator of the SPACE program and author of Breaking Free from Child Anxiety and OCD, offers a simple but powerful formula:
Support = Acceptance + Confidence (Lebowitz, 2021).
Let’s break down what that actually means in real life—and how it applies to supporting an anxious child day to day.
Why “Support” Is More Than Comfort When Supporting an Anxious Child
When your child is anxious, every instinct tells you to help them feel better—right now. This urge is especially strong when you’re focused on supporting an anxious child and easing their distress. Maybe you answer the same worry question again and again, or stay close by at bedtime, or avoid certain situations altogether. These are called accommodations, and they’re common in families with anxious kids.
But as Dr. Lebowitz explains, while accommodations bring short-term relief, they can also reinforce the idea that your child can’t cope unless you step in (Lebowitz, 2021). Over time, both you and your child may start to believe that anxiety is just too big to handle—even with your best intentions around supporting an anxious child.
That’s where the formula comes in. Instead of accommodating, you can offer support—a way of responding that helps your child feel both understood and capable.
The Two Ingredients of Supporting an Anxious Child: Acceptance and Confidence
Support isn’t just a feeling. It’s an action, and it has two essential parts when supporting an anxious child:
1. Acceptance: “I Get That You’re Scared”
Acceptance means letting your child know you truly understand how hard anxiety feels. It’s not about minimizing, dismissing, or comparing their experience to others (“Your friends don’t have this problem”). Instead, it’s about honoring their feelings—even if the worry seems irrational to you.
Acceptance sounds like:
- “I see that this is really hard for you.”
- “It makes sense you’re feeling nervous about this.”
2. Confidence: “I Know You Can Handle This”
Confidence is the belief that your child can cope with anxiety—even if it’s uncomfortable. This belief is central to supporting an anxious child in a way that builds resilience. This doesn’t mean pretending the challenge isn’t real, or pushing your child to “just get over it.” It means communicating, through your words and actions, that you trust their ability to face tough feelings.
Confidence sounds like:
- “I believe you can get through this, even if it feels scary.”
- “I know you’re strong enough to handle some anxiety.”
- “I’m here to help, and I know you can do hard things.”
It takes both parts. If you only show acceptance, your child may feel understood but not empowered. If you only show confidence, your child might feel pressured or invalidated. But together, acceptance and confidence become true support and form the foundation of supporting an anxious child effectively (Lebowitz, 2021).
What Support Is Not When Supporting an Anxious Child
It’s easy to fall into habits that feel supportive but miss one part of the formula—especially when you’re trying your hardest at supporting an anxious child:
- Demanding: Telling your child to “just do it” or “stop worrying” misses acceptance. It can make anxiety feel like a flaw or failure.
- Protecting: Avoiding all anxiety triggers or stepping in to rescue your child every time misses confidence. It can send the message that you don’t believe they can cope.
Support is the middle path:
“I see your struggle, and I believe in you.”
Two Real-Life Examples of Supporting an Anxious Child
Example 1: Elementary School Boy Afraid to Be Alone
Eight-year-old Max refuses to be by himself in any room of the house. He insists his mom or dad stay with him, even if they just step into another room for a minute. His parents, desperate to avoid meltdowns, have gotten into the habit of rearranging their routines so Max is never left alone—even for a moment.
What happens?
Max gets temporary relief, but his belief that he “can’t handle being alone” grows stronger. His parents feel trapped, frustrated, and worried about his independence.
Support in action:
Instead of only reassuring Max (“You’ll be fine, nothing bad will happen!”) or giving in to his requests, his parents try a new approach rooted in support:
- Acceptance: “I know it feels really scary for you when you’re by yourself. I get that you feel anxious.”
- Confidence: “And I also know you can handle being in your room for a minute, even if you feel nervous. I’ll be right here, and I believe you can do it.”
Example 2: High School Girl with Test Anxiety
Sixteen-year-old Maya dreads tests. The night before, she’s overwhelmed by worry—what if she forgets everything, what if she fails, what if she embarrasses herself? She begs her parents to let her stay home on test days, and they’ve sometimes agreed, hoping to give her a break.
What happens?
Maya’s anxiety about tests grows, and her confidence shrinks. Her parents worry she’ll never learn to cope with stressful situations.
Support in action:
Instead of only encouraging (“You’ll do great, don’t worry!”) or allowing her to skip tests, her parents focus on supporting her with both acceptance and confidence:
- Acceptance: “I know tests make you really anxious, and it’s completely understandable to feel nervous before something important.”
- Confidence: “I also know you’re capable of getting through this, even if you feel anxious during the test. You’ve handled hard things before, and I believe you can do it again.”
How to Practice Support
You don’t have to be perfect at supporting your anxious child. It takes practice, and it may feel awkward at first. Here’s how to get started:
1. Notice What You Usually Say
Pay attention to your typical responses when your child is anxious. Do your words lean more toward acceptance (“I know this is hard for you”) or confidence (“You can handle this”)? Do you skip one altogether? Do you tend toward protecting your child (removing the stressor) or making demands (and minimizing or invalidating the worry)?
2. Add What’s Missing
Most parents naturally gravitate toward one side—either soothing and validating (acceptance) or encouraging and pushing forward (confidence). The real magic of supporting an anxious child comes from blending both.
If your statements are mostly accepting but miss confidence:
Try adding a phrase that highlights your belief in your child’s ability to cope.
Instead of just, “I know you’re scared,” try, “I know you’re scared, and I also know you can handle some of that fear.”
If your statements are mostly confident but miss acceptance:
Begin by naming and validating the feeling before offering encouragement.
Instead of just, “You’ll be fine, you can do this,” try, “I can see how worried you are, and I believe in your ability to get through this.”
If you’re not sure what’s missing:
- Write down a few things you typically say in anxious moments.
- Ask yourself: Does this statement show my child I understand how hard this is? Does it also show that I believe they can cope?
Practice rewriting your statements to include both elements. For example:
- “I know you’re worried about sleeping alone, and I believe you can handle it for a few minutes. I’ll be nearby.”
- “It makes sense that this test feels scary, and I trust that you can get through it.”
Tips for adding what’s missing:
- Pause and check in with yourself before responding.
- If you catch yourself defaulting to old patterns, it’s okay to stop and try again. You might even say, “Wait, let me say that differently.”
- Practice supportive statements in calm moments, not just during anxiety spikes. The more familiar they become, the more natural they’ll feel when you need them most.
Why Supporting an Anxious Child This Way Matters
Children who feel both understood and believed in are more likely to try facing their fears, even if it’s just a tiny step at first. Over time, your consistent approach to support changes the way your child sees themselves: not as someone who needs to avoid all anxiety, but as someone who can handle it—with you by their side (Lebowitz, 2021).
Remember, support doesn’t make anxiety disappear overnight. It’s not a magic trick, and your child may not always accept it gracefully. But your steady presence—accepting and confident—lays the groundwork for real change.
A Note on the Journey of Supporting an Anxious Child
It is important to remember that while this formula is a powerful tool for supporting an anxious child, it isn’t a magic wand. Real life is often messier than a blog post, and some nervous systems require more specialized support to find their footing. If you find that you’re practicing support but your child or teen still feels deeply stuck, or if the weight of the anxiety feels too heavy for your family to carry alone, please know that there is no shame in reaching out for help.
Sometimes, professional guidance is the most supportive step you can take for both your child and yourself. At Early Connections, we specialize in helping families navigate these exact challenges with a brain-based, compassionate approach. If you’re ready for extra support, we are here to help. You can schedule a consultation call with us today to start the conversation.
Reference
Lebowitz, E. R. (2021). Breaking free of child anxiety and OCD: A scientifically proven program for parents. Oxford University Press.
